Why I I don't tell my kids they are good at everything!
I love my kids, I am their biggest fans!
AND
I love all of them, the hard parts, the parts that they are working on, the parts that are not their strengths, the parts that they have a hard time accepting...ALL of them!
Let me share a story...
My middle daughter is very driven, she was born that way! Everyone always asks how I instilled that in her, I didn't! I allowed her to be her, that drive is who she is.
In second grade I noticed she was struggling with school and had failed every spelling test even after lots of studying. She was so upset and looked defeated. I could see a change in her energy and I noticed spelling reading were also challenging. I started to collect her school work and highlight the parts that didn't add up or make sense. I asked to meet with her teacher and I shared my concerns, we created a game plan from there. She was evaluated and was pulled out for extra help with reading and writing (which was also a challenge). She received help for the rest of her elementary days. As a parent it is not easy when our kids are not meeting the "norm" or need extra support. Our society says that they accept all however in little ways their are still judgments. Instead of trying to change the way other people accept us, I think it is much more helpful to change the way we see ourselves! That starts with self awareness and the ability to self reflect!
We can't make others change, we can educate them and work on ourselves, but in the end the one thing I know is true is that we can NOT under any circumstances change others!
My daughter knows that reading, writing and spelling are not her strengths. They are not deficits, they are part of the amazing person she is. She sees them as challenges and fully accepts that those are parts that need a little extra work. Sometimes growing up it was hard, she was not in the "advanced program' at school like her friends, she did not do well on spelling tests and she always had to work a little harder to get the grades she wanted. Currently she is in a really competitive program at a university and she works really hard! She has learned tools, she knows what works for her and has learned how she needs to study. She still struggles with spelling, writing and reading because those are not her strengths. She uses her strengths and is able to overcome her challenges. I remember in high school she was asked to write an essay about obstacles she had to overcome in her life and she really struggled to find one! She had more than one, however she didn't see them as set backs, she saw them as part of her journey!
Part of resiliency is mindset and one of the most important skills we can teach kids is that they are not good at everything. That isn't even the goal. Isn't the goal learning how to accept all of our parts and finding ways to work on our needs?
I think that is my job as a special education teacher and parent. My job isn't to shame you for your weaknesses or ignore that you have any, my job is to show you how to love all of you! My job is to teach you to be self aware and learn tools and skills to help you to be successful!
We can teach them what their true strengths are, how they learn best and teach them skills and tools to help them in areas that may be more challenging. Let's create a world where we don't have to FEEL like we need to be good at everything, ALL of us have strengths and needs!
My perspective is that when we teach kids to accept all of their parts, we teach them to love and accept themselves for who they are. This does not mean that we blindly accept who we are and don't work on those other parts.This means the opposite.This means that we are aware of those things, those skills and without judgment we learn how to be the best version of ourselves.
As parents we have the choice how we teach this to our kids! This means we may go against the grain for a bit, we may not have the popular opinion, we may have to sit in the "messy middle" and that uncomfortable space of being judged by others.
To learn to be able to accepts who you are and see yourself as a work in progress and not a failure the first step is being honest. Kids need us to be honest with them and show them we love them no matter what their struggle is. They need to know that a skill deficit does not mean we are afraid, that we need them to be like everyone else to be loved. This seems like common sense however I often think we give the wrong message unintentionally. Again no big deal, just maybe time we all think about it and work on being aware so when we are ready we can respond differently!
I am challenging you to see this from a different lens and self reflect a bit! My son shared with me yesterday that only 10% of the population is self aware! This peaked my curiosity, so I did a little digging and found that based on research from; Dr. Tasha Eurich, while 95% of the population believes they are self aware, only 10-15 % are!!!! I have not read this book yet but it is definitely on my list!!!
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~Kirsten, I am certified parent coach and special education teacher who helps overwhelmed parents create connection, strengthening communication while guiding and empowering families to teach their children skills!
For more tips on parenting follow me on instagram @connectionsparentcoaching
If you need support on your parenting journey, reach out for a free connection call 💗
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